ARE YOU HOLY ENOUGH TO BE A REPUBLICAN?

            Are you holy enough to be a Republican?  We’ve developed a checklist to simplify the process of finding out.  Check each of the following items with which you agree.  By tallying the checks and using the guide at the end of the essay, you will find out if you qualify.

            You are holy enough if …

☐  You believe that writing “Happy Holiday” on a Christmas card is outrageous blasphemy. 

☐  You think the song, I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas, clearly refers to the fact that Santa is White.

☐  You believe that the Christmas holiday has no roots in ancient Rome, and that it is unrelated to Paganism or the Winter Solstice. 

☐  You believe that Santa Claus (who is white – and is an actual person – not a historical fiction) is a fundamentalist Christian who loves Jesus, who also was DEFINITELY white. 

☐  You are also certain that God speaks only in English, and is a religious fanatic like you are. 

☐  You hate immigrants because they do not speak English, which is God’s language.

☐  You hate homosexuals.

☐  Your preacher of choice when it comes to homosexuality is the redneck biblical scholar,  Phil Robertson.

☐  You believe Phil Robertson when he said that homosexuality is a form of bestiality.  

☐  You admire Phil Robertson’s unkempt beard (like Charlton Heston who played Moses, which was clearly influenced by the painting of God on the ceiling of the Vatican who obviously is a white male and has a long white beard.)

☐  You agree with the logic of Phil Robertson that vaginal sex is better than anal sex but you need further guidance about how that invalidates lesbian sex.

☐  You are pro-life but you are pro a lot of things: You are also pro state-electrocutions, -lethal injections, -hangings, -shootings, -endless wars, -assassinations, or children accidentally-or-on-purpose killing other children with semiautomatic weapons. 

☐  You believe that any abortion is murder even if the baby consists of a microscopic ball of slime.

☐  You are against abortion even in the case of rape, incest, or when the mother would die from giving birth. 

☐  You believe that women who get abortions and doctors who perform them deserve to be electrocuted, injected with poison, hanged, shot, tortured and then assassinated before being condemned to burn in hell for eternity.

☐  You believe science is a Marxist/Socialist conspiracy.

☐  You believe that all the science you need to learn is in a book called the bible that was written 6000 years ago when there was no science.

☐  You believe that evolution was the theory of a demented man named Charles Darwin. 

☐  You believe that Global Warming is the will of God. 

☐  You believe that fracking is good for the environment. 

☐  You believe that putting more carbon dioxide in the air is a good thing. 

☐  You hate Pope Francis.

☐  You believe that every time the new Pope endorses peace he actually is endorsing Satan who certainly is NOT white, does NOT speak English, and is probably a Moslem. 

☐  The pope  hurts your feelings by espousing tolerance of beliefs that are different from yours.

☐ You believe that the Founding Fathers were Christians.

☐ You believe that their intention was to found a country whose bedrock would be religion.

☐ You say “Praise the Lord” every chance you get.

☐ You believe that when the Lord said, “Turn the other cheek,” he had to be joking. 

☐ You believe that Jesus did not preach anything about any eyes of any needles and rich people – What Jesus actually meant was that the poor had as much chance of getting to heaven as a camel.

Thank you for taking the time to use our form.  To be holy enough to be a Republican you would had to have checked EVERY SINGLE BOX.  And since Republicans call anyone who disagrees with them Marxists, Socialists, or Progressives, maybe you should think about becoming one.

Copyright 2014 James and Jean Anton.  Please contact them through their website , http://www.penpoints.org/index.html , if you wish to reprint this article.

 
 
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Your Car Needs A Colonoscopy!

This probably has happened you.

You are driving somewhere when suddenly an icon of your engine turns bright yellow on your dashboard.  You don’t know what it means.  But it looks serious, very serious.  That’s an outline of your entire engine.  It’s not like you only need gas or something.  Cars need engines to function and they’re expensive to replace.   You wonder if your car will explode, or start dropping parts all over the road.  

Fear and panic sets in.  Gotta get home before something really awful happens as you are doing seventy in the left lane of the freeway. 

You drive the car to your favorite service station, and the attendant tells you that he has to do some tests.  “Tests????”  You find that he has a computer that he attaches to something under the hood, and a tube he puts into the exhaust pipe.  Reminds you eerily of a colonoscopy.  People who get colonoscopies are luckier.  They are offered drugs.  He shoves the tube up the exhaust, and runs the engine.  You wince.

“There’s nothing wrong with the engine,” he tells you.  “Your emissions are fine.  It’s the sensor–the OBD II–that’s broken.”

Nothing wrong with the engine!  Oh, thank you, God!  It’s over, you think.  You breathe easier.  You feel lucky.  Your car won’t need a new engine.

But then the attendant says “You’d better have it taken care of.”  He sounds serious so you ask:  “What will it cost?”

“About seven-hundred and fifty dollars,” he says, trying to seem nonchalant.  Trying to make it seem like this is a wonderful way to spend your money.

“SEVEN-HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS?????  TO FIX A LIGHT THAT STAYS ON WHEN NOTHING IS WRONG WITH THE ENGINE?????”

“I know it’s a lot of money,” he says.  “But the part is very expensive.  And if you go to the dealer they are going to charge you twelve-hundred.  People are even stealing them from parked cars.”

“F***CK IT” you say.  I can live with the engine light on.”

 “No you can’t,” the helpful attendant says, “you won’t pass inspection.”

“Why not?  You said the engine was fine.”

“Because you can’t get an inspection sticker if your engine light stays on.  Doesn’t matter about the exhaust emissions being OK.”

This is like failing the colonoscopy and being told not to worry about it – that your a***hole is fine, but the scope is broken–and you are required to pay for a new one.  And unless you pay for another one, you can’t leave the hospital because…   well just because.

So you decide to take out a home-equity loan to have the light bulb changed.  The attendant gives you a receipt.  Then you read the warranty.  It is good for one year.

ONLY ONE F***CKING YEAR!

You grit your teeth and cross your fingers and hope for the best. 

So you buy the new sensor, but in a year (just after the warranty expires…) the engine light goes on again.  You go again to the service station, and it all sounds a little too familiar because you already know the drill.  Your car needs another colonoscopy.  He shoves his probe into your tailpipe.  Of course, the engine’s OK, it’s that darn light bulb again. 

Then the same thing happens to your wife…

Same story.  It’s not the wife’s engine that needs repair, only the sensor.

OBD II (On Board Diagnostic) systems (sensors) are emissions monitoring systems.  They are required under federal law out of “concern for the quality of the air we breathe.”  Replacing them is very expensive, and they are warranteed for a very short time.

The problem is that they don’t do much to help anything.

If the engine light goes on and the problem is the sensor itself – not your engine – as is almost always the case, fixing it does nothing to help improve air quality. 

On the other hand, in the rare event that the engine light does not go on but there is an emissions problem, it will be picked up by an inspection with-or-without an engine light indication.  And, if the engine light goes on the day after an inspection, you would not have to have it fixed until next year anyway.

In other words, OBD II systems do good for nobody at all – well, almost nobody at all – except: the OBD II system manufacturers, the service stations, and the new car dealers (how many of us decide it’s time for a new car because of this yearly expense on older cars) all of whom profit–directly or indirectly – from this tomfoolery they put up your tailpipe.